If you're a man, get married and stay married, because married men outlive bachelors (but only if they talk as much as their wives). If you're a woman, have a baby after 40, but don't put anything on your face that you wouldn't put in your stomach.
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Showing posts with label Warning: Irony Ahead. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Warning: Irony Ahead. Show all posts
December 28, 2010
December 18, 2010
December 17, 2010
My boyfriend wants me to prove my honesty with a lie detector test
Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend of two years says that he will not ask me to marry him unless I take a lie detector test to pinpoint the truth about certain things that have gone on in our relationship. I have been faithful and honest to him throughout the time we have been dating, with the exception of getting caught in some white lies about things that occurred before we were together. He says that if I have lied about little things, then I could lie about big things, and he needs to know he can trust me. I've always been of the mind-set that what happened before you were with your partner is not really their business and doesn't affect the relationship. I refuse under any circumstances to take the test. I've made sacrifices and compromises to keep him happy, but his request is completely unreasonable, isn't it? Is it a sign of overall problems? What should I do?
—Am I Crazy?
Dear Crazy,
Your boyfriend is onto something. Before committing to marriage, I think everyone should have their sphincter activity monitored in response to important questions. That way, you establish a baseline of trust. So surely your boyfriend would be willing to be hooked up to a lie detector and asked the following: "Are you a pathologically controlling sicko?" "Do you think of yourself as more of a boyfriend or parole officer?" "In your best judgment, would marriage to you be a living hell?" I'm going to assume that you got caught in some "white lies" because your boyfriend was prying about previous lovers and you knew from experience that if you gave him any names, you would be mercilessly grilled. You should have just told him, "This is none of your business." But as you've discovered, the longer you stay with a crazy, manipulative person, the more you lose touch with normal behavior and begin to doubt your own sanity. Your boyfriend has done you a great favor by insisting on the lie detector. This has revealed to you that the most important question to be asked is the one you put to yourself, which is "What did I ever see in this lunatic?"
Your boyfriend is onto something. Before committing to marriage, I think everyone should have their sphincter activity monitored in response to important questions. That way, you establish a baseline of trust. So surely your boyfriend would be willing to be hooked up to a lie detector and asked the following: "Are you a pathologically controlling sicko?" "Do you think of yourself as more of a boyfriend or parole officer?" "In your best judgment, would marriage to you be a living hell?" I'm going to assume that you got caught in some "white lies" because your boyfriend was prying about previous lovers and you knew from experience that if you gave him any names, you would be mercilessly grilled. You should have just told him, "This is none of your business." But as you've discovered, the longer you stay with a crazy, manipulative person, the more you lose touch with normal behavior and begin to doubt your own sanity. Your boyfriend has done you a great favor by insisting on the lie detector. This has revealed to you that the most important question to be asked is the one you put to yourself, which is "What did I ever see in this lunatic?"
—Prudie
<via Slate>
December 14, 2010
December 12, 2010
Penn Jillette vs.TSA
"Freedom is kind of a hobby with me, and I have disposable income that I'll spend to find out how to get people more of it."
Penn Jillette <via Penniphile>
Penn Jillette <via Penniphile>
December 11, 2010
Florida Governor Charlie Crist pardons Jim Morrison...
In Tallahassee on Thursday, Florida Governor Charlie Crist will meet with other members of the state's clemency board to consider a pardon that would rewrite a page of rock 'n' roll history.Whatever. Lame duck Charlie must have a lot of time on his hands - probably hanging around the bachelor condo wondering how to best use the Power of the Office before the end comes in January. Morrison would have a good laugh. Oh. He's been dead forever.
In 1969, after a concert in Miami, Doors singer Jim Morrison was arrested and charged with, among other things, profanity and indecent exposure. Doors fans and band members have long maintained Morrison was unfairly convicted.
<npr>
December 8, 2010
December 3, 2010
December 2, 2010
Dear Interpol:
We will trade you one former vice-presidential traitorous vampire for Julian Assagne.
Your Friend, Hugo
Your Friend, Hugo
November 29, 2010
It's the good advice, that you just didn't take
<via Pittsburgh Review Tribune>
Glenn Beck will promote his book "Broke: Restarting the Engine of America" with a $90.50-a-ticket performance Thursday at the Benedum Center in Pittsburgh's Cultural District, a day after a book signing in Robinson. The show will be simulcast to 537 movie theaters across the country, where tickets cost $20.So Glenn Beck will be charging the Villagers nearly $100 per to tell them how broke they are.
November 28, 2010
Ending your week with a belt of truthiness
--H.L. Mencken
Mencken in 1926:
I have alluded somewhat vaguely to the merits of democracy. One of them is quite obvious: it is, perhaps, the most charming form of government ever devised by man. The reason is not far to seek. It is based upon propositions that are palpably not true and what is not true, as everyone knows, is always immensely more fascinating and satisfying to the vast majority of men than what is true. Truth has a harshness that alarms them, and an air of finality that collides with their incurable romanticism. They turn, in all the great emergencies of life, to the ancient promises, transparently false but immensely comforting, and of all those ancient promises there is none more comforting than the one to the effect that the lowly shall inherit the earth. It is at the bottom of the dominant religious system of the modern world, and it is at the bottom of the dominant political system. The latter, which is democracy, gives it an even higher credit and authority than the former, which is Christianity.
More, democracy gives it a certain appearance of objective and demonstrable truth. The mob man, functioning as citizen, gets a feeling that he is really important to the world - that he is genuinely running things. Out of his maudlin herding after rogues and mountebanks there comes to him a sense of vast and mysterious power—which is what makes archbishops, police sergeants, the grand goblins of the Ku Klux and other such magnificoes happy.
And out of it there comes, too, a conviction that he is somehow wise, that his views are taken seriously by his betters - which is what makes United States Senators, fortune tellers and Young Intellectuals happy. Finally, there comes out of it a glowing consciousness of a high duty triumphantly done which is what makes hangmen and husbands happy.
Get more here
November 27, 2010
November 12, 2010
Historic Compromise Reached
'Extend all tax cuts, let Obama's term expire
In a stunning display of bipartisanship, President Obama and the Republican Leadership have reached an historic compromise, agreeing to extend indefinitely the Bush Tax Cuts for the wealthiest Americans, but allowing the President’s term to expire prematurely, sometime in mid-2011.
Mr. Obama hailed this agreement as an example of “how the two parties can meet in the middle and respond to the needs of the electorate — and without even having to spend taxpayer funds on a slurpee for Mitch McConnell, or a Merlot for Speaker-to-be Boehner.”
The President further emphasized that he had still “stood on principle, by not handing the ‘keys’ back to the Republicans,” but that he would instead “serve as their ‘designated driver,’ by personally driving the car back into the ditch. Since the GOP is now the party of Bachmann and Palin,” Mr. Obama added, “just think of it as Driving Miss Crazy.”
In a stunning display of bipartisanship, President Obama and the Republican Leadership have reached an historic compromise, agreeing to extend indefinitely the Bush Tax Cuts for the wealthiest Americans, but allowing the President’s term to expire prematurely, sometime in mid-2011.
Mr. Obama hailed this agreement as an example of “how the two parties can meet in the middle and respond to the needs of the electorate — and without even having to spend taxpayer funds on a slurpee for Mitch McConnell, or a Merlot for Speaker-to-be Boehner.”
The President further emphasized that he had still “stood on principle, by not handing the ‘keys’ back to the Republicans,” but that he would instead “serve as their ‘designated driver,’ by personally driving the car back into the ditch. Since the GOP is now the party of Bachmann and Palin,” Mr. Obama added, “just think of it as Driving Miss Crazy.”
November 11, 2010
November 10, 2010
November 8, 2010
Selected Election Night tweets from Driftglass
- By talking about 1994, Radical Socialist Lester Holt is asserting that history did not begin on 01/20/09. Why does he hate America?
- Party of Chumps & Millionaires doing well. If you voted for them, check your wallet. If there's not a million dollars in it, guess what?
- BREAKING: Fox calls Florida for George Bush.
- BREAKING: Paladino concedes. Promises to "leave gun" but "take cannoli"...
- BREAKING: Ed Rendell proposes Zombie Dick Nixon for Obama Chief of Staff. After all, he does know Washington...
- I guess God did have a Plan for Sharron Angle. And that plan was losing.
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